I am still miserable over what happened in Manchester, NH. I really did not think he cared about me one way or another...ok, actually I thought he hated me and for the life of me I could not figure out why he wanted to hug me. I still can't figure that out, really. But from his reaction, it apparently means something to him. I am so sorry he was hurt at all, much less that hurt.
I guess from now on I'll let him do his thing and not fight it. It's the only way not to hurt him and if he gets hurt, the rest do too. Won't do that. Not again.
Now I am sure there will be other things that happen, and other ways I screw up...but I hope it never gets to the point where we can not be friends again - that would hurt too much. But it's just not the same when things get like this, why can't I just be normal and be able to accept that hugging's just something folks do. Even if I hate it. I guess I don't have to control who touches me. If even the MacNeils just grab, maybe it's too much to ask.
At least Stewart and Lucy still make me feel safe.
I hope I will still be welcome around them.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I can't even think of a title
I went to the Barra MacNeils show in New Hampshire yesterday...a day and a half of travel to there and all day today to get back ( I took a half day off because I did not go back to Philly with Anne, just to NYC.) By the time we got to the concert I had had 5 hours of sleep in the past 48 - most of that on a train. This was the first time in almost a year that I had seen them.
I went with Anne and Kristin and had a great time with them - the music was awesome and I had such a grand time singing with the Barras ( quietly - so no one else could hear) or watching Kyle play- I LOVE watching him play. It's simply awe-inspiring. I guess I don't show my enjoyment when I am tired tho' - Lucy told me later that I need to smile. More on that in a few seconds.
They played a few songs I didn't know before - but I caught on quickly at least to the choruses. I loved their version of "The 7 Joys of Mary" they called it "The 7 rejoices of Mary" and as always it was fantastic. Another favourite of mine was "The Holly Bears a Berry" - accapella I love why they do anything accapella. Oh heck - I like when they just talk, but this song sent chills up my spine, always does. They are amazing.
Like I said the show was fantastic. The after show not so much. I decidedly did not want to talk to them. I was exhausted and miserable physically, not emotionally, and still very much awed by Kyle and Stewart and I wanted just to be left alone. I asked Anne to get my cd signed and she said she would so I went and stood off to the side, by about 15 ft - not far enough.
Lucy saw me and called me over- so I went to see what she wanted and got talking. I asked her to give Stewart a hug for me. She said "You get over here and give him one yourself, he's right here." And he turned around and gave me a quck hug. I think he was as uncomfortable as I was with it. Now I will give Stewart a hug any time he wants one, no questions - he's the one person who has that right as far as I am concerned, he and only he. Kyle and Sheumas I will ask for one, every once in awhile and Boyd's never tried and I've only asked him once. Lucy gives the most comforting and comfortable hugs, I pretty much let her give hugs when she wants to -but never intiate them. But Stewart is special to me, I trust him like no other, for reasons I don't even fully understand, but I trust him. For me that's major. really major. And anyone who knows me knows that. I hope he does, too. Especialy after this week end.
Ryan, the second to youngest sibling is someone that I don't "get" - and he does not "get" me. I would love to get along with him better, but he and I didn't take together from the get go. He changed his mind about me about eighteen months ago - it was so shocking to me that I wrote about it here. Strangely it was the same weekend that Stewart and I had issues. Totally unrelated but it made Ryan's turnabout that much harder to accept. He's not a bad person, I think there is a really sweet man there, but we are just stuck on this wrong path and it bothers us both - I think.
But anyway. Last May, May of 2008 Anne and I went to a Celtic Fest in Chatham, NY and when Ryan saw me he walked up and grabbed me in a hug - I was not comfortable with it but hoped it was a one off. It was not and I've gotten less and less comfortable with it. I've never felt safe enough to say anything tho. Yeah, I have trust issues. No, I don't think any MacNeil would REALLY do anything I didn't want them too, but I was not sure how they - or I - would handle it.
Answer: Not well on anyone's part. It all came to a head this weekend. And Ryan ended up hurt and confused. Not what I wanted or anticipated.
After I spoke to Lucy, I went and talked to the menfolk as most were in a circle, chatting. I went and said hi and Ryan came over and tried to give me a hug. Stewart was behind me - and I took a step back and said "No!" and Ryan's face fell and he and looked so very hurt. and confused and shocked. And a few things I could not put words to. And they all looked very confused. All of them. Ryan had tears in his voice when he looked at Sheumas and said "what did I do wrong?" and Sheumas had no answer for him. I just told him. "Just no."
He looked so hurt, I wished I could take it back, but there was no going back. To his credit he did not push it. Nor did any of the rest of them. The left soon after and I talked to Lucy for a bit. It got personal and I love it that she feels safe enough with me to talk that openly. When she was leaving she told me that I "need to smile and hug people." And I told her "I am not the huggy type." and she looked like she did not believe it and Anne said "No, she's not. If she allows you to hug her it means you're really special to her." and Lucy siad "In that case I want another hug." and gave me one! LOL! She's ok tho and I am ok with her doing it.
I do hope she'll help Ryan. Things have to change there. If you read this keep them all in your prayers. And I hope he and I can start anew.
I asked Anne about Ryan's hugginess later and she said "he sees you hugging the others and feels since he's part of the family he can." Interesting boundry there.
Sigh. I hated seeing him that hurt and I hate that I was the one who did it to him. I hope he can forgive me.
I went with Anne and Kristin and had a great time with them - the music was awesome and I had such a grand time singing with the Barras ( quietly - so no one else could hear) or watching Kyle play- I LOVE watching him play. It's simply awe-inspiring. I guess I don't show my enjoyment when I am tired tho' - Lucy told me later that I need to smile. More on that in a few seconds.
They played a few songs I didn't know before - but I caught on quickly at least to the choruses. I loved their version of "The 7 Joys of Mary" they called it "The 7 rejoices of Mary" and as always it was fantastic. Another favourite of mine was "The Holly Bears a Berry" - accapella I love why they do anything accapella. Oh heck - I like when they just talk, but this song sent chills up my spine, always does. They are amazing.
Like I said the show was fantastic. The after show not so much. I decidedly did not want to talk to them. I was exhausted and miserable physically, not emotionally, and still very much awed by Kyle and Stewart and I wanted just to be left alone. I asked Anne to get my cd signed and she said she would so I went and stood off to the side, by about 15 ft - not far enough.
Lucy saw me and called me over- so I went to see what she wanted and got talking. I asked her to give Stewart a hug for me. She said "You get over here and give him one yourself, he's right here." And he turned around and gave me a quck hug. I think he was as uncomfortable as I was with it. Now I will give Stewart a hug any time he wants one, no questions - he's the one person who has that right as far as I am concerned, he and only he. Kyle and Sheumas I will ask for one, every once in awhile and Boyd's never tried and I've only asked him once. Lucy gives the most comforting and comfortable hugs, I pretty much let her give hugs when she wants to -but never intiate them. But Stewart is special to me, I trust him like no other, for reasons I don't even fully understand, but I trust him. For me that's major. really major. And anyone who knows me knows that. I hope he does, too. Especialy after this week end.
Ryan, the second to youngest sibling is someone that I don't "get" - and he does not "get" me. I would love to get along with him better, but he and I didn't take together from the get go. He changed his mind about me about eighteen months ago - it was so shocking to me that I wrote about it here. Strangely it was the same weekend that Stewart and I had issues. Totally unrelated but it made Ryan's turnabout that much harder to accept. He's not a bad person, I think there is a really sweet man there, but we are just stuck on this wrong path and it bothers us both - I think.
But anyway. Last May, May of 2008 Anne and I went to a Celtic Fest in Chatham, NY and when Ryan saw me he walked up and grabbed me in a hug - I was not comfortable with it but hoped it was a one off. It was not and I've gotten less and less comfortable with it. I've never felt safe enough to say anything tho. Yeah, I have trust issues. No, I don't think any MacNeil would REALLY do anything I didn't want them too, but I was not sure how they - or I - would handle it.
Answer: Not well on anyone's part. It all came to a head this weekend. And Ryan ended up hurt and confused. Not what I wanted or anticipated.
After I spoke to Lucy, I went and talked to the menfolk as most were in a circle, chatting. I went and said hi and Ryan came over and tried to give me a hug. Stewart was behind me - and I took a step back and said "No!" and Ryan's face fell and he and looked so very hurt. and confused and shocked. And a few things I could not put words to. And they all looked very confused. All of them. Ryan had tears in his voice when he looked at Sheumas and said "what did I do wrong?" and Sheumas had no answer for him. I just told him. "Just no."
He looked so hurt, I wished I could take it back, but there was no going back. To his credit he did not push it. Nor did any of the rest of them. The left soon after and I talked to Lucy for a bit. It got personal and I love it that she feels safe enough with me to talk that openly. When she was leaving she told me that I "need to smile and hug people." And I told her "I am not the huggy type." and she looked like she did not believe it and Anne said "No, she's not. If she allows you to hug her it means you're really special to her." and Lucy siad "In that case I want another hug." and gave me one! LOL! She's ok tho and I am ok with her doing it.
I do hope she'll help Ryan. Things have to change there. If you read this keep them all in your prayers. And I hope he and I can start anew.
I asked Anne about Ryan's hugginess later and she said "he sees you hugging the others and feels since he's part of the family he can." Interesting boundry there.
Sigh. I hated seeing him that hurt and I hate that I was the one who did it to him. I hope he can forgive me.
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